The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting——反对过度养育呼声渐起

让阳光灿烂

The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting
By Nancy Gibbs Friday, Nov. 20, 2009


Hugh Kretschmer for TIME

Theinsanity crept up on us slowly; we just wanted what was best for ourkids. We bought macrobiotic cupcakes and hypoallergenic socks, hiredtutors to correct a 5-year-old's "pencil-holding deficiency," hooked upbroadband connections in the treehouse but took down the swing setafter the second skinned knee. We hovered over every school, playgroundand practice field — "helicopter parents," teachers christened us, aphenomenon that spread to parents of all ages, races and regions.Stores began marketing stove-knob covers and "Kinderkords" (also knownas leashes; they allow "three full feet of freedom for both you andyour child") and Baby Kneepads (as if babies don't come prepadded). Themayor of a Connecticut town agreed to chop down three hickory trees onone block after a woman worried that a stray nut might drop into hernew swimming pool, where her nut-allergic grandson occasionally swam. ATexas school required parents wanting to help with the second-gradeholiday party to have a background check first. Schools auctioned offthe right to cut the carpool line and drop a child directly in front ofthe building — a spot that in other settings is known as handicappedparking.

We were so obsessed with our kids' success thatparenting turned into a form of product development. Parents demandedthat nursery schools offer Mandarin, since it's never too soon toprepare for the competition of a global economy. High school teachersreceived irate text messages from parents protesting an exam gradebefore class was even over; college deans described freshmen as"crispies," who arrived at college already burned out, and "teacups,"who seemed ready to break at the tiniest stress. (See pictures of thecollege dorm's evolution.)

This is what parenting had come tolook like at the dawn of the 21st century — just one more extravagance,the Bubble Wrap waiting to burst.

All great rebellions are bornof private acts of civil disobedience that inspire rebel bands to plottogether. And so there is now a new revolution under way, one aimed atrolling back the almost comical overprotectiveness and overinvestmentof moms and dads. The insurgency goes by many names — slow parenting,simplicity parenting, free-range parenting — but the message is thesame: Less is more; hovering is dangerous; failure is fruitful. Youreally want your children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone.When you lighten up, they'll fly higher. We're often the ones who holdthem down.

A backlash against overparenting had been buildingfor years, but now it reflects a new reality. Since the onset of theGreat Recession, according to a CBS News poll, a third of parents havecut their kids' extracurricular activities. They downsized, downshiftedand simplified because they had to — and often found, much to theirsurprise, that they liked it. When a TIME poll last spring asked howthe recession had affected people's relationships with their kids,nearly four times as many people said relationships had gotten betteras said they'd gotten worse. "This is one of those moments wheneverything is on the table, up for grabs," says Carl Honoré, whose bookUnder Pressure: Rescuing Our Children from the Culture ofHyper-Parenting is a gospel of the slow-parenting movement. He likensthe sudden awareness to the feeling you get when you wake up after along night carousing, the lights go on, and you realize you're a mess."That horrible moment of self-recognition is where we are culturally. Iwanted parents to realize they are not alone in thinking this isinsanity, and show there's another way." (See the 25 bestback-to-school gadgets.)

How We Got Here
Overparenting hadbeen around long before Douglas MacArthur's mom Pinky moved with him toWest Point in 1899 and took an apartment near the campus, supposedly soshe could watch him with a telescope to be sure he was studying. But inthe 1990s something dramatic happened, and the needle went way past thered line. From peace and prosperity, there arose fear and anxiety;crime went down, yet parents stopped letting kids out of their sight;the percentage of kids walking or biking to school dropped from 41% in1969 to 13% in 2001. Death by injury has dropped more than 50% since1980, yet parents lobbied to take the jungle gyms out of playgrounds,and strollers suddenly needed the warning label "Remove Child BeforeFolding." Among 6-to-8-year-olds, free playtime dropped 25% from 1981to '97, and homework more than doubled. Bookstores offered Brain Foodsfor Kids: Over 100 Recipes to Boost Your Child's Intelligence. Thestate of Georgia sent every newborn home with the CD Build Your Baby'sBrain Through the Power of Music, after researchers claimed to havediscovered that listening to Mozart could temporarily help raise IQscores by as many as 9 points. By the time the frenzy had reached itspeak, colleges were installing "Hi, Mom!" webcams in common areas, andemployers like Ernst & Young were creating "parent packs" forrecruits to give Mom and Dad, since they were involved in negotiatingsalary and benefits.

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Onceobsessing about kids' safety and success became the norm, a kind oforthodoxy took hold, and heaven help the heretics — the ones who werebrave enough to let their kids venture outside without Secret Serviceprotection. Just ask Lenore Skenazy, who to this day, when you Google"America's Worst Mom," fills the first few pages of results — allbecause one day last year she let her 9-year-old son ride the New YorkCity subway alone. A newspaper column she wrote about it somehowignited a global firestorm over what constitutes reasonable risk. Shehad reporters calling from China, Israel, Australia, Malta. ("Malta! Anisland!" she marvels. "Who's stalking the kids there? Pirates?")Skenazy decided to fight back, arguing that we have lost our ability toassess risk. By worrying about the wrong things, we do actual damage toour children, raising them to be anxious and unadventurous or, as sheputs it, "hothouse, mama-tied, danger-hallucinating joy extinguishers."

Skenazy,a Yale-educated mom who with her husband is raising two boys in NewYork City, had ingested all the same messages as the rest of us. Hersons' school once held a pre-field-trip assembly explaining exactly howclose to a hospital the children would be at all times. She confessesto being "at least part Sikorsky," hiring a football coach for a son'sbirthday and handing out mouth guards as party favors. But when theToday show had her on the air to discuss her subway decision,interviewer Ann Curry turned to the camera and asked, "Is she anenlightened mom or a really bad one?" (See pictures of a diverse groupof American teens.)

From that day and the food fight thatfollowed, she launched her Free Range Kids blog, which eventuallyturned into her own Dangerous Book for Parents: Free-Range Kids: GivingOur Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry. There isno rational reason, she argues, that a generation of parents who grewup walking alone to school, riding mass transit, trick-or-treating,teeter-tottering and selling Girl Scout cookies door to door should beforbidding their kids to do the same. But somehow, she says, "10 is thenew 2. We're infantilizing our kids into incompetence." She celebratesseat belts and car seats and bike helmets and all the rational advancesin child safety. It's the irrational responses that make her crazy,like when Dear Abby endorses the idea, as she did in August, that eachmorning before their kids leave the house, parents take a picture ofthem. That way, if they are kidnapped, the police will have a freshphoto showing what clothes they were wearing. Once the kids make ithome safe and sound, you can delete the picture and take a new one thenext morning.

That advice may seem perfectly sensible to parentsbombarded by heartbreaking news stories about missing little girls andthe predator next door. But too many parents, says Skenazy, have themath all wrong. Refusing to vaccinate your children, as millions nowthreaten to do in the case of the swine flu, is statistically reckless;on the other hand, there are no reports of a child ever being poisonedby a stranger handing out tainted Halloween candy, and the odds ofbeing kidnapped and killed by a stranger are about 1 in 1.5 million.When parents confront you with "How can you let him go to the storealone?," she suggests countering with "How can you let him visit yourrelatives?" (Some 80% of kids who are molested are victims of friendsor relatives.) Or ride in the car with you? (More than 430,000 kidswere injured in motor vehicles last year.) "I'm not saying that thereis no danger in the world or that we shouldn't be prepared," she says."But there is good and bad luck and fate and things beyond our abilityto change. The way kids learn to be resourceful is by having to usetheir resources." Besides, she says with a smile, "a 100%-safe world isnot only impossible. It's nowhere you'd want to be." (See pictures ofeighth-graders being recruited for college basketball.)

Dispatches from the Front Lines
Elevenparents are sitting in a circle in an airy, glass-walled living room insouth Austin, Texas, eating organic, gluten-free, nondairy coconut icecream. This is a Slow Family Living class, taught by perinatalpsychologist Carrie Contey and Bernadette Noll. "Our whole culture,"says Contey, 38, "is geared around 'Is your kid making the benchmarks?'There's this fear of 'Is my kid's head the right size?' People thinkthere's some mythical Good Mother out there that they aren't living upto and that it's hurting their child. I just want to pull the plug onthat."

The parents seem relieved to hear it. Matt, a textbookeditor, reports that he and his wife quit a book club because it causedtoo much stress on book-club nights, and stopped fussing about how thehouse looks, which brings nods all around the room: let go ofperfectionism in all its tyranny. Margaret, a publishing executive,tells her own near-miss story of how she stepped back from the brink ofinsanity. On her son's fourth birthday, she says, "I'm like 'Oh, myGod, he's eligible for Suzuki!' I literally got on the phone and called12 Suzuki teachers," she says, before realizing the nightmare she wascreating for herself and her child. Shutting down your inner helicopterisn't easy. "This is not a shift in perspective that occurs overnight,"Matt admits after class. "And it's not every day that I consciously sitdown and ask myself hard questions about how I want family life to beslower or better."

Fear is a kind of parenting fungus:invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace ofmind. Fear of physical danger is at least subject to rational argument;fear of failure is harder to hose down. What could be more natural thanworrying that your child might be trampled by the great, scary,globally competitive world into which she will one day be launched? Itis this fear that inspires parents to demand homework in preschool,produce the snazzy bilingual campaign video for the third-grader's racefor class rep, continue to provide the morning wake-up call long afterhe's headed off to college.

Some of the hovering is driven bymemory and demography. This generation of parents, born after 1964,waited longer to marry and had fewer children. Families are among thesmallest in history, which means our genetic eggs are in fewer basketsand we guard them all the more zealously. Helicopter parents can befound across all income levels, all races and ethnicities, saysPatricia Somers of the University of Texas at Austin, who spent morethan a year studying the species at the college level. "There are evenhelicopter grandparents," she notes, who turn up with theirelementary-school grandchildren for college-information sessions aimedat juniors and seniors. (See pictures of Barack Obama's college years.)

Noris this phenomenon limited to ZIP codes where every Volvo wagon justhas to have a University of Chicago sticker on it. "I'm having exactlythe same conversations with coaches, teachers, parents, counselors,whether I'm in Wichita or northern Canada or South America," saysHonoré. His own revelation came while listening to the feedback abouthis son in kindergarten. It was fine, but nothing stellar — until hegot to the art room and the teacher began raving about how creative hisson was, pointing out his sketches that she'd displayed as models forother students. Then, Honoré recalls, "she dropped the G-bomb: 'He's agifted artist,' she told us, and it was one of those moments when youdon't hear anything else. I just saw the word gifted in neon with myson's name ..." So he hurried home and Googled the names of art tutorsand eagerly told his son all about the special person who would helphim draw even better. "He looks at me like I'm from outer space,"Honoré says. "'I just wanna draw,' he tells me. 'Why do grownups haveto take over everything?' "

"That was a searing epiphany,"Honoré concludes. "I didn't like what I saw." He now writes andlectures about the many fruits of slowing down, citing research thatsuggests the brain in its relaxed state is more creative, makes morenuanced connections and is ripe for eureka moments. "With children," heargues, "they need that space not to be entertained or distracted. Whatboredom does is take away the noise ... and leave them with space tothink deeply, invent their own game, create their own distraction. It'sa useful trampoline for children to learn how to get by." (See picturesof college mascots.)

Other studies reinforce the importance ofplay as an essential protein in a child's emotional diet; were it not,argue some scientists, it would not have persisted across species andmillenniums, perhaps as a way to practice for adulthood, to buildleadership, sociability, flexibility, resilience — even as a means ofliterally shaping the brain and its pathways. Dr. Stuart Brown, apsychiatrist and the founder of the National Institute for Play — whohas a treehouse above his office — recalls in a recent book howmanagers at Caltech's Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) noticed theyounger engineers lacked problem-solving skills, though they had topgrades and test scores. Realizing the older engineers had more playexperience as kids — they'd taken apart clocks, built stereos, mademodels — JPL eventually incorporated questions about job applicants'play backgrounds into interviews. "If you look at what produceslearning and memory and well-being" in life, Brown has argued, "play isas fundamental as any other aspect.'' The American Academy ofPediatrics warns that the decrease in free playtime could carry healthrisks: "For some children, this hurried lifestyle is a source of stressand anxiety and may even contribute to depression." Not to mention theepidemic of childhood obesity in a generation of kids who never just goout and play.

Remember, Mistakes Are Good
Many educators havebeen searching for ways to tell parents when to back off. It's a trickyline to walk, since studies link parents' engagement in a child'seducation to better grades, higher test scores, less substance abuseand better college outcomes. Given a choice, teachers say, overinvolvedparents are preferable to invisible ones. The challenge is helpingparents know when they are crossing a line.

Every teacher cantell the story of a student who needed to fail in order to be reassuredthat the world wouldn't come to an end. Yet teachers now face a climatein which parents ghostwrite students' homework, airbrush their labreports — then lobby like a K Street hired gun for their child to beassigned to certain classes. Principal Karen Faucher instituted a "norescue" policy at Belinder Elementary in Prairie Village, Kans., whenshe noticed the front-office table covered each day with forgottenlunch boxes and notebooks, all brought in by parents. The tipping pointwas the day a mom rushed in with a necklace meant to complete herdaughter's coordinated outfit. "I'm lucky — I deal with intelligentparents here," Faucher says. "But you saw very intelligent parentsdoing very stupid things. It was almost like a virus. The parents knewthat was not what they intended to do, but they couldn't helpthemselves." A guidance counselor at a Washington prep school urgesparents to find a mentor of a certain disposition. "Make friends withparents," she advises, "who don't think their kids are perfect." Orwith parents who are willing to exert some peer pressure of their own:when schools debate whether to drop recess to free up more test-preptime, parents need to let a school know if they think that's atrade-off worth making.


A certain amount of hovering isunderstandable when it comes to young children, but many educators areconcerned when it persists through middle school and high school. Someteachers talk of "Stealth Fighter Parents," who no longer hoverconstantly but can be counted on for a surgical strike just when thehigh school musical is being cast or the starting lineup chosen. Andsenior year is the witching hour: "I think for a lot of parents,college admissions is like their grade report on how they did as aparent," observes Madeleine Rhyneer, dean of students at WillametteUniversity in Oregon. Many colleges have had to invent a "director ofparent programs" to run regional groups so moms and dads can meetfellow college parents or attend special classes where they can learnall the school cheers. The Ithaca College website offers a checklist ofadvice: "Visit (but not too often)"; "Communicate (but not too often)";"Don't worry (too much)"; "Expect change"; "Trust them."

TeresaMeyer, a former PTA president at Hickman High in Columbia, Mo., hasjust sent the youngest of her three daughters to college. "They made itvery clear: You are not invited to the registration part where they'rerequesting classes. That's their job." She's come to appreciate theplease-back-off vibe she's encountered. "I hope that we're getting awayfrom the helicopter parenting," Meyer says. "Our philosophy is 'Give'em the morals, give 'em the right start, but you've got to let themgo.' They deserve to live their own lives." (See the 10 best iPhoneapps for dads.)

What You Can Do
Among the most powerfulweapons in the war against the helicopter brigade is the explosion ofwebsites where parents can confide, confess and affirm their sense thatlowering expectations is not the same as letting your children down. Soyou gave up trying to keep your 2-year-old from eating the dog's food?You banged your son's head on the doorway while giving him a piggybackride? Your daughter hates school and is so scared of failure she won'teven try to ride a bike? "I just want to throw in the towel and give upon her," one mom posts on Truuconfessions.com. "This is NOT what Ithought I was signing up for." Honestbaby.com sells baby T-shirts thatsay "I'll walk when I'm good and ready." Given how many books andwebsites drove a generation of parents mad with anxiety, a certainbalance is restored to the universe when it becomes conventional forpeople to brag about what bad parents they are.

Therevolutionary leaders are careful about offering too much advice.Parents have gotten plenty of that, and one of the goals of this newmovement is to give parents permission to disagree or at least followdifferent roads. "People feel there's somehow a secret formula forparenting, and if we just read enough books and spend enough money anddrive ourselves hard enough, we'll find it, and all will be O.K.,"Honoré observes. "Can you think of anything more sinister, since everychild is so different, every family is different? Parents need to blockout the sound and fury from the media and other parents, find thatformula that fits your family best."

Kim John Payne, author ofSimplicity Parenting, teaches seminars on how to peel back the layersof cultural pressure that weigh down families. He and his coaches willeven go into your home, weed out your kids' stuff, sort out theirschedule, turn off the screens and help your family find space youdidn't know you had, like a master closet reorganizer for the soul. Butany parent can do it just as well. "We need to quit bombarding themwith choices way before their ability to handle them," Payne says. Theaverage child has 150 toys. "When you cut the toys and clothes back ...the kids really like it." He aims for a cut of roughly 75%: he tossesout the broken toys and gives away the outgrown ones and the busy,noisy, blinking ones that do the playing for you. Pare down to theclassics that leave the most to the child's imagination and create akind of toy library kids can visit and swap from. Then build breaks ofcalm into their schedule so they can actually enjoy the toys. (See howto plan for retirement at any age.)

Finally, there is the giftof humility, which parents need to offer one another. We can fuss andfret and shuttle and shelter, but in the end, what we do may not matteras much as we think. Freakonomics authors Stephen Dubner and StevenLevitt analyzed a Department of Education study tracking the progressof kids through fifth grade and found that things like how much parentsread to their kids, how much TV kids watch and whether Mom works makelittle difference. "Frequent museum visits would seem to be no moreproductive than trips to the grocery store," they argued in USA Today."By the time most parents pick up a book on parenting technique, it'stoo late. Many of the things that matter most were decided long ago —what kind of education a parent got, what kind of spouse he wound upwith and how long they waited to have children."

If you embracethis rather humbling reality, it will be easier to follow the adviceD.H. Lawrence offered back in 1918: "How to begin to educate a child.First rule: leave him alone. Second rule: leave him alone. Third rule:leave him alone. That is the whole beginning."

Of course, that was easy for him to say. He had no kids.

—With reporting by Karen Ball / Kansas City, Mo.; Alexandra Silver / NewYork City; and Elizabeth Dias and Sophia Yan / Washington

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